Friday, April 19, 2013

Leaked National Treasure 3 Plotline

      Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, it has been for good reason. I have, over the last two months, through a heroic effort of cracking the highly guarded Disney databases, collecting clues hidden in major media publications and seducing certain very powerful executives been privy to the highly guarded plotline of the long in the making movie  certain masterpiece National Treasure 3. Now as we all know this blockbuster, Nicholas Cage vehicle is if not the greatest film franchise of the generation than undoubtedly the greatest film franchise that the art of cinema has ever seen. It has pushed the boundaries of what is possible with computer generated graphics, historical revisionism and Nicholas Cagology. It has brought in hundreds of millions of dollars and captured the hearts and minds of our sweet nation. We've waited too long however. The latest installment has been in the making for years with Nicholas Cage denying any knowledge of the movies status. The world cannot wait any longer and so I have taken it upon myself, through great risk to my own health and well being, to wrangle the script out of the greasy clutches of those slimy Disney producers. I won't go into great detail here, suffice it to say that my own adventure at times almost perfectly mirrored that of Benjamin Franklin Gates' own journey to find the National Treasure.
      The movie begins similarly to the first two installments with Benjamin Franklin Gates having to scrape off mounds of historical romance groupies in order to read a long lost communique from one of his ancestors who may have been involved in the war of 1812. This leads him on a great winding adventure which finds him at the Alamo where, hidden behind a painting in a small room (which he must visit exactly at 1:37 am) he finds an escalator which takes him down to a hidden Disney Studios waiting room. It is here that B.F.G learns that the real National Treasure is not a pile of ancient loot but rather a human being. Not only that, but the man is alive, and currently lives in Los Angeles California. Fighting for time Benjamin takes Abraham Lincoln's private jet to the West coast where he learns the name of that man...and it is none other than Nicholas Cage. The journey to find the National Treasure takes B.F.G through the underbelly of Los Angeles where a dastardly nemesis has already convinced all the agents in the city that Benjamin Franklin Gates IS Nicholas Cage and that he has lost his mind. Gates then realizes that to find Cage he must convince a group of terrified surgeons to switch their faces. The final forty five minutes of the movie is an extended soliloquy performed by Benjamin Franklin Gates/Nicholas Cage whilst he/they walk atop the iconic Hollywood sign (which is, at the last moment revealed to be an anagram for the location of the REAL national treasure, allowing plot threads for another wildly grossing sequal) where he ponders the nature of his own identity and the figurative and literal interpretations of a man 'truly finding himself'. Dazzled at the metaphysical implications of his dual identity he considers jumping to his death but perseveres, convincing himself that the world needs him to make further sequel to this movie (and hopefully a sequal to face-off or the rock I mean, come on) The movie ends with the surgeons returning his face to its original shape and Benjamin Franklin Gates moving into the Nicholas Cage's Hollywood mansion, his family and co-workers none the wiser.
         The title?
         National Treasure 3: National Treasure: Nicholas Cage
         Directed by David Lynch

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