An Honest Resume

To Whom it may concern,

             I deeply apologize that you have to consider my resume, but since your business provides better benefits than professional alcoholism I figured it was worth a shot. I recently received my bachelors degree in a leisurely 5 years at a small, undistinguished teaching college in a highly specialized scientific field which requires at least a master's degree to get a job in the field. My grades were not noteworthy and I received no honors. I happened to be the president of a club at my school simply because I was the oldest person who wanted the position. In my entire life I have held two jobs, one: a bag boy at a supermarket which I loathed and in which I never advanced, the other a camp counselor at a small ideologically dubious summer camp. I was fired from neither job mostly out of sheer luck. And here I should mention my strongest personality trait: insidious, pervasive and constant laziness. I can't use a computer for more than 15 minutes without getting distracted for half an hour on news sites or Wikipedia. If I work inside I will be distracted by watching people passing by and if working outside I will stare at trees or perhaps just walk away from my duties. I know a wealth of useless facts which will have no application for whatever job you may have for me, but I will tell you these facts anyways, most likely at irritating or inappropriate times.
                    I have much experience getting frustrated with a range of computer software from Word to Powerpoint and even some obscure programs like SSPS and R. I don't have the wherewithal to look in the manual and will just ask you for help every few minutes if I can't figure something out. I work poorly in teams and lack independence. Since I was a child my family and education system instilled in me a strong sense of entitlement and false individuality. Anything you do which may threaten these will most likely damage my self esteem and I will treat any challenges to my ideas or intelligence with disdain or passive aggressive defensiveness. I use big words incorrectly. I have little aspiration other than to be famous or rich. Or both. Given the chance I will most certainly complete a task with the bare minimum of exertion, and I've never excelled at a single thing I have tried. My writing skills are weak, my math skills nonexistant. I loathe most people and have never worked a cash register. Others see me as strange or untrustworthy and I do nothing to change that image. I have a terrible memory and pay no attention to details. I'd like to think I am creative but the majority of the time my new ideas occur when I read something somewhere and forgot who wrote it.
            I'll be afraid to make a long term commitment to your business and have very weak leadership skills. If someone leaves food out I will most likely eat it. If you ask me to do a series of things I will inevitable forget one of them. I consider myself superior to those who: watch television, listen to mainstream music, have unusual skills, have poor taste in clothing, or have annoying idiosyncrasies. I do all of those things.
All in all I would be a poor addition to your business and you should under no circumstances hire me. I assure you you will regret your decision 6, 12 or 48 months on.